I'm in a killing one bird with two stones....er, killing two birds with one stone kinda mood. Actually I don't want to kill any birds. What I'm trying to say is--is it okay if I use an excerpt from my journal as a post?
Tuesday 3/27/12"I'm afraid I've been neglecting Em. Physically I've been meeting her needs, but emotionally my heart has been far from her. I don't want to waste her childhood eager for her to grow up so I can return to my own pursuits, only to realize how hollow my own pursuits are compared to raising a child. Does that make sense? I'm afraid of not appreciating what I have while I have it. That results in the worst kind of regret."
I've had this quote tucked into my wallet for a long time:
Initially it served as a reminder not to hate winter (still working on that one). I've tried to appreciate each season for what it uniquely offers. Spring rainstorms and blossoms, summer sunshine and BBQs, radiant fall leaves, an excuse to curl up with a good book in the winter...
Then it struck me. This quote can also apply to the seasons in our life. Sometimes I find myself hopelessly in love with the memory of my carefree childhood (or any of the days before I had the responsibility of raising my own child). But just like all the seasons of the year have different assets, each season of life each has its own gifts.
This season of raising a young child may not leave me a lot of time to write the novel I've been dreaming of writing, but it is a time for me to gather information and experiences that will greatly enhance that novel when I do have time to devote to such an enormous project. My current season also isn't going to have much luck satiating my wanderlust, so it's a good thing motherhood is a journey unto itself.
When I feel like my role as a wife is wrestling with my role as a mother, I try to remind myself of a future season of life, when my heart will be full and my nest will be empty, and my husband and I will have an abundance of time, to watch game shows together and criss-cross the United States in an RV. (If I can just keep my marriage healthy enough so that we still enjoy each others' company when that time comes...)
What this child-rearing season can offer me is:
-A chance to remember how to play
-A reminder to be fascinated by the world around me and within me
-An opportunity to ditch some of my self-centeredness
-The honor of watching a child grow and discover
-Lots of laughs
-A crash course on love
I guess it all comes down to this: Be here now.